Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
