I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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