Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
