I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I supernannyed him into submission
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
