My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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