i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
