Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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