News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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