Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
