At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
