If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
