dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
