Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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