rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
