I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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