Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
