During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
