i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
