This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
