Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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