he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
