and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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