any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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