I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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