you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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