sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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