I want to stick my p in your. b.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
