i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
