He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
