Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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