I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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