where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
