eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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