Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
