new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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