Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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