Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Princesses don't give blow jobs
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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