This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
my liver is dry heaving
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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