there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
