I can text with my tongue
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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