I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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