My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
