Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize