did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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