I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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