garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
