Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
