My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
love makes seman taste better
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
