Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
