I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
