Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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