I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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