I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
