Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
