I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
