I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
