The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
