A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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