I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
