Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
