I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
