i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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