Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
