He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
two words: eviction party
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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