Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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