There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
