Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
