I got chris browned last night
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
