I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
